I feel awkward talking to people about my crushes. This has always been the case, and I think I have some ideas as to why. I tend to, in my view, have crushes on unattainable people. Often, unattainable means I see them as out of my league. I have high standards, which gets annoying. So when I tell people about these crushes, I just can imagine people thinking "thats never gonna happen." They don't have to say it (or even think it), but I know it. Its especially obvious when, once I tell someone, they attempt to move on in the conversation, because they know it won't work and they don't want to give me hope. Which is understandable. I don't want someone to tell me that they think I should go for it, because they might share my feelings when they really don't mean it or worse, know for a fact that the crush doesn't like me back (this sentence might not make sense. sorry.). But despite this, when nothing is said about my chances, (i.e. "you never know! they might feel the same way."), and the conversation moves on, I know exactly what they are thinking.
Also, once its out there, admitted to the world, it can cause problems. When it doesn't work out (as they are out of my league) it feels like it is a failure on my part. I didn't 'achieve' what I wanted. I couldn't woo them. Or whatever. Or they might find out about it, which is a whole new realm of problems and issues that is really not fun to deal with. And yet I always want to tell people when I have a crush. Maybe I am secretly wishing that the person I tell will have some good news (i.e. "they told me they had a crush on you too!").
Crushes are so annoying. Its like, I can't live with them and I can't live without them. They suck, because as mentioned before, I crush on those out of my league, so they never end well. Or they work out and I change my mind. And I get my hopes all up, just to get them shot down (see lyrics to "Paper Bag"). But when I don't have a crush at a particular moment (and by this, I mean when I don't have one person that I am very focused on. At any given moment, there are numerous people I find attractive or appealing in some way; I just haven't thought about them romantically yet.), I feel sad because there isn't that sense of hope. I guess there is this energy one devotes to a crush, and when there is no crush, there is not outlet for this energy. I don't know if thats the real reason, but I know that when there is no one particular person, I feel weighed down or less hopeful, or something like that. So its almost a lose/lose situation. Which sucks.
So yea. Thats my rant on crushes. And telling people about them. I didn't plan on typing for that long. But its insight into my crazy head. It is a full-time job just for me to try to figure out why I do the things I do, and feel the things I feel. So I am saving you some time, and letting you all know now. So YOU don't have to interpret me. You are welcome ;-)
Gogo -- I lied. It's a real one. I just felt awkward so I made it seem like not a big deal. Hehe...
Anne -- I miss you.
These are the only people who comment, so they are the ones who get shout-outs. :-D
Song this post reminded me of:"Paper Bag," by Fiona Apple
I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay put, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Oh hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving it works, when it costs too much to love
