i hate fighting

Fall Break has been alright so far. It would have been alot better, but I am feeling really upset about a fight I have been having with Anne. I guess I just need to get some things out of my system:

It started (for me) a few months ago, when the comments started. At first the comments were about my Dad's job. I made the housemates aware that my dad works at TV Guide. More specifically, he was hired last November as one of the higher-ups in the financial department of the magazine. My dad has worked his ass off, since graduating from an inner-city college to becoming a public accountant at an auditing firm to moving up the ladder at that company for 23 years. Since then he has held a few CFO-type jobs until landing at TV Guide. The jokes were fun at first, joking me because my dad 'owns TV Guide.' However, it eventually moved from funny to uncomfortable. How do I respond? I tried laughing along but that never worked. I guess these comments would happen whenever ever said anything regarding money or my financial situation, which is something I am not used to having to monitor. It is just a fact of life that I come from a very wealthy area. My friends from home vary quite a bit in financial situation, but for the most part we are all somewhere in the middle class. My parents always taught me to be very respectful of others, and made me aware of how lucky I am and was to have what I do. They taught me the importance of working hard and that i should never take money for granted. This has definitely helped me in coming to college, but it did not completely prepare me. I live with two incredible women who come from very different circumstances than my friends from home and I do. I really do try to remain as respectful and understanding of that. I respect them more than I could possibly say, and I really hope they know that. But I am not perfect. And I slip sometimes and say things that at home would be fine, but here come off snobby and rude. I can assure that they are never, ever meant in a malicious or hurtful way, but they come off that way regardless. Sometimes I realize it, sometimes not. It is something I am working on, and this has definitely made me realize that I need to work harder. I don't mean to excuse myself or those remarks, but I think that I can explain why I say them and the fact that I never mean them to be hurtful. I hope that from now on, if I say something STUPID like I do so often, she and/or diana will bring it up so that it doesn't fester and we can work it out right away.

Lately, however, the comments have changed. Mostly when she is high, Anne has taken to making digs at me regarding something I am doing and/or saying that can be connected to my being gay. I have been having trouble putting my finger on what exactly it is about what or how she says it that always makes me really uncomfortable. I have no problem whatsoever talking about my sexuality. My friends (gay and straight) and I joke each other constantly about it, and that has never bothered me. But her comments for whatever reason do. Don't know why, but they make me extremely comfortable. I try to explain myself, but she continues and I eventually just stop talking because I know it just eggs her on. I really don't think she thinks she is being mean or that she is trying to hurt my feelings. She thinks it is all in good fun. Maybe she enjoys watching me squirm because of the things I say that make her uncomfortable or hurt. I don't know, but I understand that she means no malice.

She told me that she thinks I should be able to handle this, but I can't because I am ashamed of myself. I really don't agree. I am out to pretty much everyone (some people my parents think should not be informed, i.e. my sister (too young) and my Dad's mom (religious, might have a heart attack)). My friends know, my coworkers know, most family knows. I did one of the scariest things I have ever done and told my parents this summer. If i was so ashamed I would not have told them. But it became important to me and I did. I really enjoy talking about it and am fully capable of laughing at myself. I guess that the way the comments are said reminds me alot of when kids in middle school made fun of me. Looking back, middle school was alot crueler to me than I remember. I was called gay, fag, fruit, etc. more times than I could remember (almost daily) and at the time, I had no idea what that even meant! I didn't like girls, true. But I didn't like boys either until late 7th grade. That didn't stop the comments, the ones that were said in such a way that it didn't matter whether or not I knew what they meant. I knew it was mean. I shrugged it off, pretended to let it bounce off of me, because I knew I couldn't fight them. I also knew I couldn't tell my parents. I was too embarrassed to let them know that kids didn't like me. I had to explain already in 5th grade why I no longer played with my best friend (I was a fag, which meant he couldn't associate with me anymore). I couldn't handle telling them that everyone else made fun of me. So I kept it inside. I got so angry that it tore me up inside. I got so sad that I cried myself to sleep quite often. I have never been so lonely in my entire life as I was from 5th-8th grade. I think that this explains alot about why I am so paranoid in friendships now, and why I am scared of relationships. I don't quite trust people still.

All this aside, the comments, I think, strike the part of me still inhabited by my middle-school self, and I get defensive. I insist that it isn't true, without realizing that it is, and it's alright. I am gay, and its not a bad thing! I am still finding myself. I am still working on who I am. I am still trying to impress upon that part of me that I don't have to defend myself, or fight back. Maybe all of this will work out to be beneficial, in that I can move on a bit more. Who knows. Either way, I hate that we are in this fight when we used to be such good friends. We used to have lunch every Wednesday to catch up because she was so busy working. Now that she doesn't have to, the lunches have stopped, and we have slipped apart. Hopefully when we talk soon, we can move on and work at getting our close friendship back. I really hope that we can.