left out

So, as most people know, I have spent much of this semester reconnecting with alot of people that I barely ever saw last semester. I noticed that I lost alot of connections, or at least, let them suffer by spending almost every spare second at the Unit. Don't get me wrong, last semester was a shitton of fun; however, I felt really distant from alot of people. So I was determined to not let that happen this semester.

So I made sure to go all different places every night. I made plans with people. I spread myself out. I went new places. I tried to maintain old connections while making new ones. I never went the same place two nights in a row.

And you know what? I am exhausted. I tried to do too much. On the one hand, I have truly strengthened one friendship, which means the world to me (sqanque). And I have maintained some great ones (tru geauxgz). BUT I feel that I also sacrificed alot. By spreading myself so thin, I kept myself at a distance from so many people. And now, I feel like I lost alot. Especially from the people I spent most of my time with last semester. No longer am I included in everyday activities. I have to force myself into outings. I need to be proactive and call people, asking what the plans are. I swear, if I just sat in my apartment all day, it would take weeks before I got a call asking me to do something. And you know what? That fucking hurts. Alot. Especially considering I spent so much time and energy on them last semester (and this semester, if not as much as last).

Ugh. I hate feeling like this. This mentality has followed me since middle school, and I can never get past it, no matter how much I try. And the worst part is, no matter what I do, the people I wish would understand never will.